Homebrew
Happiness

Falling Down Hill

2025-09-02

Flowers follow the sun
They don’t lose hope when winter overstays its welcome
Some are heartier than others
A rosebush in Anchorage wilting in the light of eternal day
Dandelions in Barstow blooming on abandoned lawns
But a flower won’t see the sun and balk;
So why do I, when I’m given burning stars and torches
Bow my head and weep

- 4/28/24 (transcribed from paper, written on a Sunday evening)

Many of my favorite musicians are transgender. I’ve never lived as someone else so I can’t say for sure—but I’m convinced that the emotions of being trans but not knowing it or better yet—being trans and not being you are totally unique. Horrific—hollow—like a black ocean but the water’s somehow both cold and hot. I could describe it any number of ways. I have described it in numberless different ways—but I’m certain that it’s different from your run of the mill depression or grief. The pain of partial existence if you will. And that pain is SO colorful. Sometimes it’s heavy blacks and blues—others its shrill sharp and painful reds and yellows. But with a color pallet like that how could you not make music like the album 93696 or songs like CCTV or Geez Louise.

In some ways—I kind of miss those emotions. Sure happiness and contentment are divine and life feels worth living. But it’s also so much harder to put interesting words together on paper. It’s like the beginning of the final season of New Girl where Nick’s book series goes down the drain because his characters are him—and he’s happy! What’s interesting in that? Who cares that the fictional character is happy and dancing through the streets of Europe with their love? Fuck off and get a life! Life is hard for most everyone most of the time! Get with the program!

For me now—poetry looks more like this:

….
Idk.
I’ve got nothing.
Yesterday I had minor diarrhea 
Because I took my medicine without food

Maybe I—we—need practice expanding my—our—themes of writing because even now. Happy as I am. The only thing that comes down onto my paper is rehashing how I was sad last year. Yeah! I was fucking sad that’s true. But surely there’s a way to write about real life that’s honest and interesting? RIGHT? So let’s do an exercise and give it a go!

Open the notes app on your phone or grab a pen and a sheet of paper. Write seven lines of “poetry.” The lines must rhyme in some fashion “AABBCCD” “ABABCDC” and the subject must evoke a pleasant or positive emotion. GOOD LUCK!

Here’s mine:
A cliff overlooks the backdoor to my building
And from it you can watch the sun set across the city
I climbed up to the precipice one beautiful June evening 
Making due with the shitty shoes I had on slipping and sliding 
As I scampered to a seat on the edge—which I found to be far too gritty 
While the sunset was spectacular something else gave that moment meaning
I found the confidence to fall down hill

Rhyming is hard! But so is finding happy moments to write about…and so is having happy moments to write about.

What’s my challenge to you? Make a happy moment and write about it! Here’s one more to send you off:

I love rocks!
I love rocks…
I love rocks— 
A chilly evening in a quiet Nevada state park
The rock field leading up to the glacier wants my ankles
And as I step too hard—the ancient behemoths grumble and bark 
But they take me to the ice as I tip toe around their sharp cracks and angles
Later I’ll lie down on the pebbly bottom of a dry pond and I’ll welcome the dark
But the dark will never come in the presence of the giant light angels
Shimmering in the sky and granting me—for the first time—a tempered will
And the courage to fall down hill

HomebrewHappiness

Falling Down Hill

Homebrew
Happiness